Which word of God?

Because the Catholic kids had catechism on Thursday, we Protestants got Release Time, also on Thursday, so teachers had an easy day.

I was all about Bible stories, less so about the mile walk from Campbell School to First Presbyterian and 1.8 miles home, in the winter near dark if I couldn’t get a ride. At least most of my route followed Main Street in Metuchen, New Jersey—not exactly the wild side—and there was a dime store with candy but still . . .

The other down side of the long walk was way too much time to ponder My Problem.

Which was this. Sunday school teachers and the minister went on and on about The Word of God, never considering literal-minded eight year olds.

For example, they insisted that just as all parents love all their children equally (hah!), the Heavenly Father loves us all exactly the same. If so, I reasoned, wouldn’t He love all words equally since (presumably) He created them all? What made one word so darn special?

And if there is ONE word, THE word, why does the Bible have so many, including all those weird names, Abiasaph, Eidad and Medad, Hammedatha?

Really, one single word was enough to sustain Moses in the desert, Jesus being flogged and Apostle Paul wandering all over creation?

And if there is one word, why are we even talking? We should just be all the time going, “Word, Word,” he said. Then “Word, word,” she answered and everybody’s happy and blessed.

I considered options: Jesus, faith, salvation. Then what about the Old Testament? No Jesus there.

I didn’t consider asking the minister, an austere individual who generally avoided children, and finally accosted a Sunday School teacher. That is, I ambushed her in front of a toilet stall in the ladies room as she shifted from foot to foot in a way I’d never associated with adults, therefore not suspecting that her bladder issue might be more urgent than my theological query.

So I persisted. “What is the Word of God?”

“It’s what we believe. It’s what we talk about all the time.” Her voice rose. Had I not been listening? Was I hiding a comic book in my collected stories of Protestant missionaries and martyrs?

I fumbled. “I mean which one is the Word of God? There’s so many.” There, I’d got it out.

“The Word of God,” she began, reaching out her hand. To bless me? No, to shove me aside from the toilet, her Mecca. “The Word of God . . . is love.”

I might have gotten an “oh” in before she clicked the latch from inside her stall.

“OK?” came her disembodied voice.

“OK,” I said. It was a cold day, I remember, and The Answer didn’t warm me that much all the way home.

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Posted in Childhood

Organizing my mind

I must have been about eight when I read a passing reference to a boy who organized his mind every evening. Unbelievably, the writer barreled on without explaining how, but the project seemed so essential that I decided I must undertake it and for some reason assumed the project must be secret.

So, how to start? Innocent of neurology or brain structures, I pictured a good-sized card catalog (this was pre-home computer age) with memories on something like index cards. So, lights off in bed, I pictured my card catalog. Now it couldn’t be exactly me organizing it since I was picturing this. I needed an agent and posited a small, gray-haired man in a gray suit. Gravitas, you know. He could move effortlessly (on skates?) opening card drawers, pulling out cards clearly randomly placed and taking them to another drawer in another aisle. I could just imagine his thinking, “What a mess this mind is.” Presently he stopped, clearly needing more specific overall instructions, a system.

But exactly how does one organize a mind? I considered some options.

Chronologically? I had a few vague impressions of my first year, hardly enough for few cards, let alone a drawers. Then more and more as I got older. But I didn’t remember all of every year. And memories of my mother, say, would span many years. And was me at eight remembering me at six a new event, needing a new card? Hard to say.

By person? Drawers for each family member, neighborhood friends, school friends, etc. The little man obediently scuttled about. Wait!

Would seasons be better? Christmas, summer, spring, but should these be sub-divided by year . . . or activity, like summer games with my neighbors Holly and Philip? Or . . .

Place? Home, school, camp, church, stores, but what about friends in home and school?

Feelings? Happy, sad, frightening time? Boring times? Being sick, being well.

Activity? Reading, school, studying, board games, outside games, eating, climbing trees?

You see the complication. The little man grew frustrated and pretty soon I fell asleep, exhausted.

I tried again the next night. More confusion and . . . I gave up. My mind was a mess and there was no help for it.

But . . .

Years later I met the exact type of my little man, the curator of the Furness Shakespeare Library at the University of Pennsylvania. I had occasion to go often in my grad school years. I don’t remember his name, but he was diminutive, endlessly helpful, with an encyclopedic knowledge of the large collection. He wore an odd little gray suit with a stand-up collar, so retiring and officious in his manner that, the story went, he was in the elevator when a Big Professor looked up from his tome to say, “Four,” as if the curator might announce, “Fourth floor, philology, linguistics, ladies lingerie. Watch your step.”

Once there was a horrific rainstorm with damage all over the campus. I went up to the Furness to find the Persian carpets pulled back, large fans blowing, and the curator mopping a skim of water under the  Globe Theater display case.

When I offered my sympathies, he stilled the mop for a minute, whispering, “I tell you, Miss Schoenewaldt, when I came in this morning and saw the damage, I almost needed some liquid refreshment myself.”

Yet he took time, as always, to consider my research question, scuttle through the stacks, and produce exactly the texts I needed. He was too big to fit in my brain, but if I’d been brave enough to explain my mind-organizing problem, he could surely have suggested the perfect system.

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Posted in Just life

It must be a memory

I’m sure I remember this, that it wasn’t a dream. What’s remarkable is the quality of sensations that are not exactly thoughts, as if they came before words. I’m very small, being held between the knees of someone much larger, my arms perhaps draped over these knees. My feet aren’t free. They’re in a sack of some sort, like a sleep sack.

To my left is a large window, what I later heard called a “picture window.” A shape passes outside, silhouetted by what I now identify as a lamp on the walkway. At that moment, it’s only a frightening shape. Thinking back, I name it—a man with a brimmed hat. He is walking towards our front door. I don’t like it. My body stiffens. Perhaps I cry out. But I’m held and I’m safe and the shape passes away. Nobody comes in.

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Posted in Just life

Thoughts on a morning raking leaves

  • You, leaves are many, but I am relentless, almost.
  • The number of leaves to be raked can’t be infinite, that’s impossible, but there are many, a very large number.
  • How big  is this number? A mature oak (says Wikipedia) can have 1,000,000 leaves. Multiplied by the trees this our lake house driveway (many) and the total is . . . . a lot.
  • Would it be good to stop and think about this, gazing up at the yet-unfallen leaves?
  • Progress not perfection.
  • Does it cost less energy to create a large pile and move it, or to eat away at the pile, filling with barrels of leaves? What about time? Would it be good to think about this over coffee, inside?
  • What’s all this nonsense about CO2 in the atmosphere? Think of all the oxygen these leaves made.
  • You leaves make a huge pile, nearly as tall as I am and very much longer, but when you’re mulched, who’ll be laughing then?
  • We worked the windless morning and just when we stop, a breeze shakes down drifts of more, more leaves. Really? Is this a joke?
  • What about acorns? Where are the squirrels when you want them?
  • Since the number of acorns on a tree (x) is larger than the number which germinate (y), is it better to pick them up now or pull up the seedlings later?
  • What about these acorns? Where are the squirrels when you need them?
  • Doesn’t it smell nice? What a lovely pile to jump in.
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Posted in WWWS

Navy English

Through the 90’s, I taught college English in Naples, Italy at a US navy base. It was a remarkable experience, a world away from the ivy-aesthetics of grad school. In a decade of relative prosperity, with a low probability of combat duty, many enlisted to stay alive and find peace. Fully a quarter of one class had lost a close family member to violence. “If I wasn’t here, I’d be dead or in prison,” I heard over and over.

“What’s not to love about basic training?” a young man asked. “Three squares a day, a bed with sheets and the drill sergeant treated me better than my dad.” Murmurs of assent around the room.

A standard essay prompt of “I didn’t understand, and then I did,” produced epiphanies of adulthood. One student recounted an adolescence of constant, furious battles with his mother. On his first shore leave, the two were chatting in the kitchen, a non-event in the combat years. He excused himself, took out the garbage and returned to find his mother frozen in place. “What just happened?” she demanded. “The bag was full, so I took it out.” She asked if he remembered epic fights over this very task. “Really? Over that?” Indeed, over that. Rarely has garbage produced such hilarity.

In the years of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” more than one young man came out to me in the parking lot after fiction-writing class. The process went like this. Short story #1 centered on the struggles of a narrator’s friend who was “different.” I’d suggest we meet to discuss characterization, paragraphing or whatever. In private, I’d let fall sympathy for the “friend” in “this world” and mention that generally in fiction, you want the POV character to be close to the drama/conflict. When the next story came in first person of a gay character, I might note how well-articulated the trauma was, how credible. The soldier would look around to make sure we were alone and whisper, “That was me.” When I said I’d figured, he’d be stunned by my superhuman insight. A satisfying pedagogical moment, if it hadn’t been so sad.

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Posted in Teaching fiction-writing

The consolations of candy

I’ll always remember a commercial for a brand of nothing-special wrapped candy from the years I lived in Italy. The production values were modest, as was the marketing claim, but the take-away has enduring resonance in real life (IRL).

We open on a fixed camera mid-shot of a teenage girl on a couch. In front of her is a coffee table and on the table is a bowl of wrapped candy. You wouldn’t call her bella, but she’s carina (cute/pretty) in an appealing, wholesome way. She’s maybe 16. Definitely very sad. Given the mysteries of teenage misery it’s impossible to determine the cause. Didn’t get a party invitation? Boyfriend problem? Botched exam? Fatal diagnosis? An earthquake in Abruzzo took her home and family? Sad melodic music plays in the background.

With the measured lethargy of a Warhol movie, her sad (lightly mascared) eyes lift to the candy bowl as the camera slowly pushes in and slowly, slowly she leans forward, picks a candy, unwraps it and slips it in her mouth. The slightest wisp of a smile lifts her pretty face, noticeable only because we’ve been so fixed on her sadness.

The background music shifts oh so slowly and a comforting male voice intones: “Non è tutto, ma aiuta” (It’s not everything, but it helps). Dissolve to candy and logo and out.

I think of the modest message at least weekly in gardening, housekeeping, writing sympathy cards, ironing, exercising, all the activities of living. Non è tutto, ma aiuta.

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Posted in Food

Egyptian in Jersey

In my tucked-in corner of New Jersey, Mr. Massuda the French teacher was an exotic. He was Egyptian, and while to some students’ surprise, he didn’t walk sidewise or write on papyrus, he came trailing a romantic past. Born into “une famille riche” which we escalated to villas, hanging gardens and lavish barges on the Nile, the family suffered a calamitous reversal and he was reduced to selling postcards of the pyramids (he said or we thought).

Mr. Massuda’s troubles continued. He got to America but now had to teach high school. Also, Fate gave him “quatre filles,” four daughters, he said sadly, who wanted “everything,” his salary consumed by insatiable Egyptian princesses. In fact, we counted three shirts to his name, each worn for a week. By Friday they were pungent, with dark underarm stains. “The filles take all the soap,” we whispered behind his back.

Mr. Massuda adored French. With messianic zeal, he presented its purity, grace and perfection as a conscious construction of an enlightened few, like Notre Dame or the Chartes Cathedral. Grammar explanations were invariably preceded by “The French wanted . . . the French decided.”

His zeal and my cultural ignorance led to an after school trauma. It was spring and warm in the halls. On my way home, I was ruminating on a grammar point and saw Mr. Massuda standing sadly at his classroom doorway, perhaps oppressed by a new demand of the terrible filles.

When I stopped to ask my question he snapped to attention, stepping closer to explain. (Merci, you soap-stealing princesses) I stepped back. He stepped forward. “Comprenez vous?” he asked. “Oui, oui,” I understood, I said quickly. Mr. Massuda went on to elucidate. In gathering panic, I stepped back again, dodging the hurrying students. He followed, wanting proof that I grasped the exquisite logic behind this apparent irregularity.

By now I was against the lockers, metal doors cool on my heated palms. I dredged an example but he wanted another. As I floundered, he must have noticed my sweating. Was I “malade”? he asked anxiously. No, no not sick, just on the wrong side of a cultural gulf.

Years later, teaching composition, my text had an article on proxemics, the study of spatial separation that cultures naturally maintain. Some want more, some less. Arab cultures are on the “less” side. Light bulb! Mr. Massuda had misread me. Why is this poor girl backing away? Is the beauty of French eluding her? I must put her at ease and make her understand. I step closer.

 

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Posted in High school, Intercultural relations

Ambitions of a Protestant Saint

At age 9, I decided to be the first Protestant saint, which would catapult me into a new edition of A Child’s History of Heroes and Heroines. I knew this was a stretch. My Sunday school teachers had been quite clear that Protestantism doesn’t do saints.

There were other challenges. Saint Elizabeth’s first word was “Jesus.” Mine was “Daddy.” She spent her days bringing bread to peasants in their huts. My town had no peasant huts, and my allowance wouldn’t cover armloads of Wonder Bread.

Next, the matter of pain. Saint Joan of Arc in armor looked dashing, but she also pulled an arrow from her breast, shocking even “hardened soldiers.” Then the manner of her death. My father once helpfully advised that if you’re going to be burned at the stake, bribe the executioner to stoke the fire with green boughs so you die of smoke inhalation long before flames reach your toes. Still.

Besides good works like saving France or bringing bread to peasants, mortification of the flesh seemed essential for sainthood, but the options were unpleasant: stoning, stabbing, being pressed or pulled apart, fed to lions, standing for years on towers in the desert or carrying hot coals. I devised an achievable goal of sleeping all night with hands crossed on my chest. Even this I couldn’t do consistently.

That summer I went to church camp. There was much to like: bunk beds in cabins, reasonable food, swimming, hiking, nice girls and sort of ok boys. We made candles and lumpy lanyards for our parents. At the nightly campfire after the inevitable “We Are Climbing Jacob’s Ladder,” we were challenged to spend one whole day acting like Jesus, a goal up there with standing on a pillar for years. Or . . . for the less ambitious, to concentrate on every phrase of the Lord’s Prayer, thinking of nothing but those words. However the distractions of stars, sparks flying upward and mosquitoes buzzing put even this modest challenge out of reach.

All was not lost. We were to make cedar cross necklaces. The cedar smell was intoxicating and I did well at the sanding. Male counselors did the skilled work of nailing the cedar sticks together and inserting metal eyes at the top. We proudly wore our crosses around camp. But . . . we were to wear them at home, at school, everywhere. They were big on our small chests, nearly 4”. Only nuns wore crosses that large and they, whispered my girlfriends, were “married to Jesus.” At an age in which even kissing had a yuck factor, this was not attractive.

So, bit by bit my ambitions for Protestant sainthood faltered. In the fall, a state-sponsored endeavor to match our skills and strengths with career options suggested that my limited social skills pointed to bee-keeping.

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Posted in imaginative child, Just life

A passion for problems

“The mark of a good scientist is enjoying problems,” my father maintained, “seeking them out.” This problem passion helped him build a distinguished career in chemical research, developing some of the drugs he used himself for cancer and Parkinsons.

Unfortunately the “on” switch for science didn’t have an “off” setting for parenting.

Cold War hysteria blazed when I was a kid. “Imagine living behind the Iron Curtain,” I mused, watching my father in his workshop solving cabinetry problems. Good thing we lived in New Jersey, but suppose we didn’t?

Ah, he’d had the same thought and helpfully shared a solution. Let’s say we lived in Romania and he was, again, a research chemist, valuable to the State. So he couldn’t leave. “But we’d find a way to get your mother and you kids out,” he assures me.

“How?”

He was working on that. But moving right along, we’d escape to, say, West Germany.

“But I don’t speak German,” I remind him.

“You’d learn. Of course not as quickly as your little sister. She’d have no accent.”

Great. Already I’m behind a three year-old. “And you’d come later?” I ask anxiously.

“I hope so.”

I’m getting really upset, already missing him. “Suppose you can’t?”

“Well, then, after a reasonable time, your mother would remarry.”

This was horrible. There I am in West Germany, stumbling in German, missing my father, and there’s this Klaus that maybe I don’t even like pretending to be my father. Maybe he’s mean. And suppose my father does get out and find us, but mean Klaus doesn’t let us see him, keeps us locked up? Then what?

“Well, don’t worry, sweetheart,” my father says, driving a nail. “We’re in New Jersey.”

Right, as in don’t think about an elephant. Many sleepless nights ensue, flipping between my hypothetical horrible life with mean Klaus and the more likely troubles of my unknown opposite number in Romania, say Sofia. Poor, poor Sofia.

Moving on to adulthood, I sometimes find myself driving, inventing tragic or melodramatic scenes, even bringing myself to tears over these sad imaginings. I asked a therapist friend about this, suggesting that it’s the process of driving, the sort of trance you get in on a familiar route, that leads people to spinning hypothetical dramas.

“Not people, Pamela,” she said gently. “Just you.” Ah, well, I guess the fruit doesn’t fall too far from the tree.

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Posted in Childhood fantasy, Cold War, imaginative child

What you can save in Uvita

We are staying near Uvita, on the Pacific Coast of Costa Rica. This morning I went to a little shop that has a couple samples of almost anything you could want. I noticed too late that the clerk was putting my groceries in a paper bag and held up my cloth one.

“Oh good, “ he said pleasantly in English, “save a trip.”

“Save a tree,” corrected the young woman at the register. “A tree.”

The affection with which she’d corrected him and the good humor with which he laughed and repeated “tree” set us off.

“Save a bird,” I said.

“Save flowers,” she added.

“Butterflies” were his contribution, to which in turn we added, bees, grass, fish, monkeys (she poked him affectionately at “monkey,” evidently a private joke} and finally snakes.

So saving all those things in my bag I paid and left happily. The bag, by the way, is from a Cirque du Soleil type youth circus in Cambodia which promotes itself as saving street children. You can save a lot with the right bag.

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Posted in WWWS
Announcements

Sunday, May 6, 2pm reading from latest work at Hexagon Brewing Company, Knoxville, TN.

Thursday, May 10, 6-8 pm presentation on research on the historical novel, Blount County Library, Maryville, TN.

When We Were Strangers, Italian translation, to be presented in Pescasseroli, Italy, August 2018.

Recent Review
“Absorbing and layered with rich historical details, in Under the Same Blue Sky, Schoenewaldt weaves a tender and at times, heartbreaking story about German-Americans during World War I. With remarkable compassion, the author skillfully portrays conflicted loyalties, the search for belonging, the cruelty of war, and the resilience of the human spirit.”—Ann Weisgarber, author of The Promise and The Personal History of Rachel Dupree

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